Together But Separate—When A Pandemic Forces You Into a Long-Distance Relationship
It’s No Snow Day…
Portland has a very distinct rhythm to it when “disaster” strikes—i.e., the feared snow day. The news reports hit: It’s “Snow-ageddone;” the “Snow-pocalypse” is coming! Just the smallest rumor of snow flurries sends people in rush to the shops to stock up on items they just can’t go a day without. Grocery stores for miles run out of kale. I find this both an infuriating overreaction to snow and very comical. After a couple of days—often with a mixture of disappointment and great relief that the snowstorm was really more of a light dusting—life in the city goes back to normal. In late February when the Portland area reported its first confirmed case of COVID-19, it felt like a snow day on steroids.
It’s now mid-May and I’m doing fairly well considering we’re two months into a pandemic. I have paid work, everyone in my family is healthy and safe, and I’m living comfortably and safely in an apartment that I really like with one of my best friends (thank god, because if I was stuck at home with just my cat for this long, I might forget how to interact with other humans). I appreciate that I’m in a very privileged position with a career that allows me to work from home. Staying home, social distancing, wearing a mask during my weekly grocery run are the best things I can do to help out. And honestly, I’m a bit of a homebody so I could easily continue this whole stay home thing for quite a while if it wasn’t for one small thing:
It has been two months (and counting) since I’ve seen my boyfriend in person.
Making Long-Distance Work
My boyfriend and I are sheltering in different households during the statewide stay at home order. While other parts of Oregon are preparing for reopening, the Portland-metro area isn’t there yet. It doesn’t look like we’ll be dining in at restaurants any time soon. For me, this means it’ll likely be a bit longer before I see my boyfriend again. While this is obviously a disappointment, we do have one thing on our side: we’re pros at being long-distance. My boyfriend travels a lot for work so we have had plenty of practice taking our relationship digital prior to all this COVID-19 stuff. Some of my friends, on the other hand, are less practiced with being in a long-distance relationship. That’s why I thought I’d share some insights from my own experience. (Every relationship is different so alter these tips to fit your relationship as needed).
Communication: It’s important when you are physically together, it’s important when you’re physically apart. My boyfriend and I text, call, or FaceTime on the daily. These aren’t necessarily long calls or deep conversations. Much like you would in person, we mix things up with serious catch-ups and lighthearted chatter. Some days the extent of our conversation is a screengrab of what trashy TV show I’m watching, a photo of what we ate for dinner, or a funny gif. It might seem counterintuitive, but sometimes the silliest text messages are the ones that make me feel less distant.
But Not Too Much Communication: My boyfriend and I don’t see each other every day during normal times, we don’t need to video call each other every day now. Going overboard with scheduling too many phone calls with each other just doesn’t feel natural or very “us” and would probably create unnecessary strain.
Seriously Think About What Your Communicating: I was chatting with a friend who is sheltering-in-place with his partner. With both of them working from home, this is the most time they have spent together and like many others in that situation, he’s found it’s important to be more conscientious before speaking. “It’s too easy to let my work stress bleed over and for me to get snappy with my girlfriend when I don’t have my normal commute and gym time to decompress.”
This is great mindfulness to have if you and your partner are working from home together but it’s also something I apply to my long-distance relationship. There are moments to vent to my boyfriend and moments to find a different outlet for my stress. Right now, I’m experiencing a lot more stress than normal. If I texted every time I felt upset or worried, everything I send would be a pop tart made of high anxiety with a dash of optimism in the frosting to try to trick you into thinking I’m not a Negative Nancy. I am not saying bottle up your emotions and only text positivity. Talking about how tough things are when you have a bad day can be really helpful. Sometimes hearing, “That suck; things will get better” can really brighten your day. But if most of your communication is spewing the negative thoughts that enter your head during this stressful time, that will wear both of you down. (This goes for friends and family, too.)
Furthermore, even with a well-placed emoji, tone of voice can get lost in a text. I naturally gravitate to texting over calling, but it’s good to take a moment and really think about how a text could be read and if your message might be better as a phone call where your tone of voice can help enhance the intent of your words.
Video Dates: My boyfriend and I have started doing movie dates over FaceTime during the quarantine. Is it as good as watching a movie while physically sitting next to each other on the couch? No, but it’s still pretty fun. Find something you enjoy doing together over video—movies, cooking dinner, whatever works for you.
Find Something Fun to do With Your Free Time: Being long-distance means nights I would have spent with my boyfriend, I now spend at home by myself. My boyfriend likes to play video games. I like to paint my nails, put on a face mask (the skincare kind), and toss on the type of movie I know he isn’t interested in watching. I enjoy spending our nights apart binging on the type of activities I know just aren’t his thing (like watch trashy reality shows like Too Hot Too Handle).
Make Your Bed Somewhere Cozy To Sleep Alone: I get really accustomed to sharing a bed with my boyfriend when we are able to see each other constantly and find my bed a little empty when he’s away. My solve? In the winter I sleep with a hot water bottle because I’m used to the warmth of someone else sleeping beside me. Recently, I invested in a nice body pillow—it’s a super comfy pillow but best of all it fills up the spot on my bed that feels empty when I roll over. It’s silly, but it helps me get better sleep. Similarly, I’ve added in a bad habit to my night routine that my boyfriend and I often do when we’re together: I watch late-night talk show tv clips on YouTube in bed (get your mind out of the gutter). I know! Watching TV in bed is bad for your rem cycle. But it gives me a sense of normalcy in theses abnormal times.
Have a Conversation About Sex: When you’re relationship is long distance for an extended time, that’s a real drag on your sex life. Every relationship is different but it’s important to talk about what might help with the sudden lack of intimacy in your relationship until you can see each other again. Maybe it’s sexting or some sexy phone time, or maybe you’re good with each person just flying solo in the bedroom for a while. Just don’t assume that “it’s all good” if you haven’t talked about it in a while.
Why We’re Sheltering In Different Places
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve seen a lot more people on social media decided to opt-out of mask-wearing, crowding into parks, or even having parties as if everything has just gone back to normal already. I’ve even started to catch a bit of shade from friends who think the whole “COVID thing” is blown out of proportion and that my boyfriend’s and mine choice to not see each other during the stay home order is “ridiculous” or “no longer necessary.” That might be your opinion, too, or you might be living in a city that doesn’t have a stay home ordinance.
The thing is, being long distance is hard. Being long-distance during a pandemic is even harder. There is an added emotional toll when you have no idea how long you will need to stay long-distance for. There are no days to count down. But we are not distancing ourselves for shits and giggles. This isn’t some random quirk or ploy to feel superior to the people who opted to not follow the guidelines. We made this choice because we both have roommates whose health could be put at risk if we didn’t. It’s an important thing to do when your actions directly impact other people. Basically, we’re just the type of people who follow the rules and picked prioritizing the safety of others over boning. With parts of Oregon starting to reopen, I’m really hopeful that I’ll be able to see my boyfriend again really soon. But if it takes another couple of weeks or even another couple of months to lift the stay home order, I know we’ll make it through.